There Are No Cool People Left At Your Local Hipster Coffee Shop
While writing from my neighborhood hipster coffee shop, it hit me: I’m not hip and neither is anyone else here. How do I know? Well, I’m my local coffee shop’s best customer and I’m a bougie 35-year-old stepmom who uses the adjective “hip.” You know the coffee shops I’m talking about: they have identical industrial seating since apparently there’s only one supplier for coffee shop stools; proudly display a shiny La Marzocco espresso machine; play generic indie pop music loud enough to drown out any unique thought you might have, brand their own ethically-sourced (unclear if anyone bothers to check what ‘ethically-sourced’ means) coffee in throwback neon or pastel colour schemes; and, together, it somehow makes charging $9 for a coffee drink feel vaguely appropriate. These all-too-trendy coffee destinations are exactly that — destinations for people who want to post a latte art design on Instagram or feel like they might be on the verge of writing the next Fleabag, when really no one in these shops should be allowed to write anything that isn’t a job application (this article probably included).
Sure, it’s been this way for a while, but I was in denial. I kept telling myself “it’s not Starbucks,” “it’s OK because I bring my own mug” (I don’t, but I did once) and “at least I don’t order the drinks with turmeric.” But it’s not enough anymore. As I once heard someone say about New York, right before I moved to New York: “can someone please tell the yuppies that New York is over?” Now, it’s the hipster coffee shops that are over. I never thought I’d be the one to have to tell people something isn’t cool anymore but, sadly, here we are.
If you are also starting to suspect that your local coffee-shop frequenting is destroying any amount of individuality you have left, one stupid unnecessarily complicated coffee drink name at a time, I have some ideas — ways to try to redeem myself. You may want to try these necessary, albeit painful, steps to recovery too.
Give up caffeine.
Look, I don’t want to type that as much as you don’t want to entertain the idea, but think about the time, money and self-respect we can save. Sure, we think we NEED our morning latte to survive but it is possible to be on this earth un-caffeinated. I don’t know the details but I read a headline once about someone who didn’t drink coffee so it must be possible.
Make your coffee drink at home like a real person.
You’re right. That was too much. Let’s start with no longer making the trip to your favourite coffee shop. After agonizingly learning to make coffee at home, please resist the urge to post online about how much better your homemade coffee is than the coffee for which you used to pay $9. That defeats the point.
Drink your coffee at a diner.
You want American coffee? Go to a real diner (no, Waffle House doesn’t count). When local coffee shops start to provide free refills like an actual diner that isn’t a rip off of an actual diner, that will be when they’re no longer annoying. Also, to make this legitimate, order a full breakfast of sausage, eggs and bacon and don’t ask if any of it is gluten free.
Work at the coffee shop and secretly (or, if possible, openly) despise the customers.
No one can blame you if you work there but make sure you don’t get brainwashed. This is all a farce. No one needs or benefits in any way from latte art so please don’t buy-in to this charade. One day, people will look back on this trend and laugh. Or this article will not age well.
If you insist on going to your local hipster coffee shop follow these steps: order just an espresso, shoot it back, crush the mini cup in your fist and then walk out in protest.
Have you ever seen how Italian coffee shops (the original ones in the country of Italy, I mean) work? There is no seating. No one is there for the scene. Customers come for the espresso, which comes in a small real cup and they take it like a shot of whiskey while standing at the counter. No sipping allowed. There should not be enough time to start thinking you’re better than anyone else. You should be out the door before you lose your sense of self or your dignity. Pretty sure if you did this at any local hipster coffee shop I’ve been to they’d think you’re crazy, which is how I know it’s necessary.