Sleep Training My Baby Made Me Realize I’m Not Sleep Trained
And never will be.
Before having a baby, I assumed babies would learn to sleep like they achieve any other milestone — on their own, when they’re ready. But then came the dreaded question when my son turned 4 months old: “Have you sleep trained your baby?” If any other verb was in front of “trained,” that would be an absurd question. In fact, it’s still an odd question. Why exactly are we sleep training infants? If anyone doesn’t need to be well rested for work tomorrow, it’s a baby.
These days, babies are expected to be professional — and I mean truly elite — sleepers before they can string a couple consonants together. “Wow, he’s such a good sleeper” might be the most coveted compliment you can receive as a parent. Forget when he said his first word, the real contest is which kid can sleep through the night first. Unbeknownst to my baby, I even hired him a “Sleep Coach” so he could nap with the best of them, like I’m Lori Loughlin but 17 years too early.
And it worked. Sure, it took some cry-it-outs (that means both of us) but he did it. In fact, he’s so good at sleeping now, it’s revealed how bad I am at it. I lie awake staring at the monitor like it’s the least exciting part of The Truman Show, wondering why I’m not also a professional sleeper. Was I once a trained sleeper and somehow became untrained in adulthood? Or did I never learn to sleep? (I’d prefer the latter because then I can blame my parents.) All I know for sure is that compared to my six-month-old, I suck at sleeping.
Here is what my Olympic-level sleeper baby does (except for when I can’t sleep and encourage him to regress so I can feel useful again) that I, the adult, could never do:
Goes to bed and gets up at the same time every day.
I can’t believe we’ve tricked babies into this one. Even on weekends there is no staying up or sleeping in. What a sad life.
Has a consistent bedtime routine that involves no “blue-light” technology.
Other than my therapist who I imagine lies about this, I don’t know a single adult who doesn’t take their phone, iPad or laptop to bed and cradle it like it’s their favorite stuffy.
Does not go to sleep on a full stomach.
I truly did not know you could sleep without a stomach crammed with carbohydrates.
Sleeps for 12 hours without eating or drinking anything.
The only reason I’d consider not eating or drinking for 12 hours is if I was required to fast for medical reasons.
Doesn’t get out of bed — not even to pee.
This doesn’t sound half-bad. Maybe I should start wearing a diaper.
Communicates when he is the appropriate amount of tired.
Apparently, tired is a thing we can be over or under. According to my baby’s sleep coach, I’m always “over.”
Sometimes cries himself to sleep.
This is the one thing he and I both do.
Self-soothes when he wakes up upset.
I strictly rely on someone to hold me for comfort in the middle of the night.
Doesn’t require medication to sleep.
He’s my hero.
